Inchworm

 Mmmm... warm, relaxed, pleasantly expended.

Like the feeling of your muscles after you've spent many hours walking briskly, or after a light workout of pilates, your body is used and you're reminded of the astounding things your body can do.  

I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you stand knee-deep in the ocean or at the base of Rockefeller Tower, and realize how small you really are in this universe.  It's what true humility is, that feeling of awe at how insignificant you really are.  Yet we are graced with the beauty of existence, and the ability to feel such wonder in spite of our insignificance in the grand scheme of things.

Another instance comes when we realize how precious and evanescent our relationships with those around us are.  As we pause and accept the changes in others, the changes in ourselves, and finally come to terms with the past and it's separation from the present, we feel that same humility.  There are those who touch our lives, and those whose lives we touch; even in our insignificance we have the power to influence someone, and there are those that consider us worthwhile enough to reach out to.

This humility, the moments of acknowledging our minuscule role, is a source of hope.  It's not a feeling of despair because we aren't strong enough or big enough or important enough to make the world better, but rather the awe of knowing that we are a single drop in the ocean but we might be a lake to some unsuspecting ant.  It's the hope that we can change what we can in this world, make it better for the generations that will take our places, and preserve the beauty that is already here.  

It's the color of knowing that somehow, in some unimportant and most likely overlooked way, we have the power to create something significant from our little, insignificant lives.

Copper

The color of words you wish you'd never said.  

You can taste the metallic bitterness, like the taste of blood on your teeth or cold pennies.

It's the sound of words you wish you didn't hear, and the hard, cold, harshness of understanding.  It's the color of blame, of blaming yourself and believing that it was your fault and that there's not a damn thing you can do about it now but hope that time can work its magic and turn that copper brown into a better green.

It's the feeling of loss, of the moment of finding that it's too late to make amends and grasping at anything you can because... it just can't be... over.  It's the feeling of shattered hope, when you know that the straws you're trying to find and hold on to aren't there.  

It's knowing the only way to go from here is forward, but that even though you didn't realize it before... it's going to be so hard without them.

It's the taste of waiting to see what will come of us.

Sunset Orange

 

"I am. I am. I am."  ~ Sylvia Plath


Sometimes, it just doesn't matter.  What exactly "it" is, we don't always know, but sometimes, it just doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter because you feel warm and alive, you're breathing and healthy and just alive.  You want to wrap yourself in a hug to feel your own lungs inflating in your arms, feel your own heart beat, and enjoy being solid, real.  Considering it doesn't work quite that way, we settle for a thick quilt or a soft, fleece blanket, and smile to ourselves for no particular reason at all.

At the end of the day on days like today, we curl up in our heavy comforters and sweats, the hair all a mess and undone, the earrings out, the makeup washed off, and we smile because we are beautiful.  Today is accomplished, whether it be because we managed to get a nap in for the first time in months, or we finished a book, or we learned how to move the character around in Assassin's Creed.  Tomorrow is hopeful, because we are beautiful.

We are beautiful because we exist.  The complexities of our existence prove only to add to the brilliance of our individual lives.  Our bodies heal, grow, move, and our minds think, remember, and imagine.  We are incredible beings, with energy and power coursing through our cells, and we are beautiful because of that.  There is endless potential to what we can do.

It's this state of being, the state of "am," that fascinates, excites, and humbles me.  I am thrilled by the reality of my being.  I will forever be a part of something so much larger than myself simply because I am.  No matter how good of a life I lead, no matter how horribly I mess up, I will forever be imprinted in the world just because I exist.  And I have the power to leave just a dusting of my existence behind, or to let my fingerprints dirty the scene.

But for tonight, I am content with whatever it is I have left.  Tonight's sunset will leave room for tomorrow's sunrise, and I will be given another canvassed day to paint.  Tonight I can wrap myself in my thick quilt, smiling contentedly to myself, and enjoy the reality of being.

"I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am. "